a quiet check in

photo by Dago
Back in March, I wrote a post about stopping my anxiety and depression medicine, with the support of my doctor, family, Dago, and friends. This was a really big moment for me because I'd been consistently on medicines that weren't quite working for almost three years. I expected that I would feel more lucid and more confident without the medicine bogging me down and making me feel dependent. For the first couple of weeks, this was the case.

And then the withdrawals kicked in about 28 days after my last pill. The withdrawals have been awful in ways that I didn't expect. My body and my mind have been battling it out, but neither of them are even bringing their A game to the fight because the withdrawals have shaken them both. I've been experiencing pretty extreme heart palpitations, bouts of vertigo, and uncomfortable bloating. I've been more emotionally sensitive than I've been since before I began anti-depressants back in 2010 and I can't seem to control my moods. I was at a networking event a couple of weeks ago about leadership and I was so weepy the whole time. Poor Dago can say pretty much anything and I'm offended or sad or irritated--for no reason at all. I've been really anxious driving. I haven't visited my parents because I convinced myself they were mad at me. I've been feeling especially bad about my body and about my capabilities as a woman and a blogger and a business owner and a person.

In the meantime, I've been surrounded by powerful inspiration and great friends. I want to put my everything into embracing them. I have the most supportive boyfriend anyone could ask for and we're moving in together in a month. I want to be well for him.

So, this is where I am right now. I want to get back on medicine--definitely something different--and I know I need to make time to talk to someone licensed to help. Money and time are the greatest obstacles in doing this right now, but my wellness has to be the top priority because I can't thrive at work or in my relationships if I'm not feeling stable and strong.

Sorry this is kind of dark. If I'm going to write about the ups of my mental health journey, I think it's just as important to share my downs.

11 comments

  1. After our talk you know what you need to do. l, we are on your side and here to support you. We are very proud of you and all that you do. Love you, Mom

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  2. I used to experience things like this, I don't know if you pray, but that's what made the difference in my life. Thanks for being so open with us and I'll definitely be praying for you!

    -Chantal
    Www.stilldeeper.blogspot.com

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  3. Sorry to hear you're struggling girl! It sounds like you have a really strong support network though, and that makes all of the difference. I'm always here to talk!

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  4. I think it's important to share all sides of things whenever you feel comfortable with it. You're one strong woman. I wish you didn't have to fight through all of this, but there is definitely good on the other side! You're such an incredible lady and you're lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Take everything one step at a time and you'll be there before you know it!

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  5. Oh, meds. Getting off and getting on. It can be so tricky. I am off again, and off birth control at the same time. It was rough. I am still super weepy. I think it can be a tough journey to find the right medication, but so worth it. I think there are point in our lives, in the cycles of depression that medication does wonder, and times when you might not need its assistance. I hope that you find something that makes you feel better. I wish you all the luck in the world. xoxo

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  6. Wow thanks for sharing this. It's definitely a struggle dealing with meds. Sounds like you have an awesome support system. I wish you all the best in getting your health back!
    xo
    girlintheyellowdress.com

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  7. That's great that you are so honest about your journey. I think everyone can relate to this story and what you are going through...heck I've blogged about it as well. I feel ya gurl! Lol.... even if you decide to get back on medication there is nothing wrong with that. You prolly just haven't found the right one if it's making you feel bogged down. I've found Cymbalta is really mellow and smooth. I've tried a few but this seems to be the best for me. I wish you the best and am sad I'll be out of town when Mandy and you get to hang out.
    xo
    Taylor
    http://www.nothingbutapigeon.blogspot.com/

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  8. That's great that you are so honest about your journey. I think everyone can relate to this story and what you are going through...heck I've blogged about it as well. I feel ya gurl! Lol.... even if you decide to get back on medication there is nothing wrong with that. You prolly just haven't found the right one if it's making you feel bogged down. I've found Cymbalta is really mellow and smooth. I've tried a few but this seems to be the best for me. I wish you the best and am sad I'll be out of town when Mandy and you get to hang out.
    xo
    Taylor
    http://www.nothingbutapigeon.blogspot.com/

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  9. Thank you for sharing your struggle and reaching out to your readers for support and encouragement. I have a family member who had a rough time getting her meds straight, but as soon as she did, she has completely changed and been happier than I've seen her in years. It's been so relieving to see her finally get on a medication that works for her - I can only hope you find the same!!!

    theoriginalbrynn.blogspot.com

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  10. You know, I have no idea if anything I could say would help you feel a little bit better about all of this, but I hope I can.. even if it's just a teenie tiny bit. All of what you've gone through, I couldn't even begin to know where to start..you're so strong my dear, even if you don't think you are sometimes. I know you are. Shoot, you're so strong for even writing truthfully about it with all of us on this little thing we like to call the internet.

    If you ever need me, I will be there. I'll drive down to Austin and we can do fun girly things, or just sit there and talk, or do whatever you want to do/feel like doing. I can even nap for hours if you'd like! (I'm gonna need it after finals and wedding stuff..holy cow!)

    I've been praying for you, just so you know. And I'm so happy to have found a great group of girls, even if it's just over the internet for now.. that are there for me and make me smile when I'm crying extreme amounts of tears! So, I want to be there for y'all as well. :)


    Okay, uber long comment done, but yes, I've been meaning to write this for like three days now (four..).
    I love you, Nicole! You are one strong, strong woman, and inspire me daily. Thanks for being so honest with us, it's truly refreshing. Keep your chin up, and keep on fighting, my dear! I know you will!

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  11. I'm a little late on commenting, but I'm so glad you did share this. It's crazy, even though we've never met, I feel like you're one of my closest friends and it makes me so sad to hear you're going through this. I'm sending lots of love and prayers your way and I hope to see your beautiful smiling face back in blog world soon.

    I'm not sure how far Austin is from Lake Charles, La but I say Kristina and us should all meet up sometime! It couldn't be too far?

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